On Energy, Responsibility, and Love: A Critique of "Self-Care Culture"

"Putting on your own oxygen mask first" is essential, but we can't stop there. Our self-care is ultimately for others.

I remember when I first heard the term “self-care.” It was 2019, and I was a burned-out, over-worked, people-pleasing music teacher, and, having had enough, had just made the choice to pursue something that felt like it was truly for me: a certification to become a holistic wellness coach. It was in the training program for this certification that I first heard of the idea of “self-care,” and it was radical to me. It felt like a relief to know that I was actually allowed to make active choices that would enhance my well-being, and that articulating and pursuing my own needs and desires — in business and in life — was not inherently a bad thing.

Since that time, “self-care” has become its own culture with its own slogans, such as “Put on your own oxygen mask first” and “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

And, perhaps most famously, “Self-care isn’t selfish.”

All of these statements and analogies have some truth to them, but I believe there is always a caveat: if our self-care is not directed at the right ends, and done for the right purpose, it actually can become selfish.

Gasp, right?

What Does “Care” Entail, Actually?

Let’s talk about the oxygen mask thing.

First, let me say that I understand where this idea comes from. As a woman and a service-based business owner, I understand what it is like to go from thinking you have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm, to learning to cultivate that inner fire that will light you up and radiate outward to others. The oxygen mask analogy is a way of trying to help those who are neglecting their well-being for the sake of unhealthy relational and situational dynamics to see that there is a better way.

But the modern definition of “self-care” has gotten so far from these ideas as to be incongruent with the analogy’s original intent.

Think about what the word “care” means. If you care for other people, what do you do for them? Maybe you’re responsible for feeding, clothing, and bathing them. Maybe you’re responsible for procuring essentials that they can’t obtain themselves. Maybe you’re responsible for transporting them hither and thither. Maybe you’re responsible for their education. Maybe you’re responsible for providing moral support and encouragement for them as they navigate their challenges.

Now let’s apply this concept to care of the self.

In the examples above, notice what word comes up again and again — responsible. In the same way that you are responsible for the well-being of those who cannot fully care for themselves or those who require your support in some way, you are responsible for your own care, as a capable, mature adult. Self-care is really about the responsibility to take care of oneself.

If the word “care” seems too trite or overused for you, then try substituting the word “love.” Do you love yourself? Do you make the same decisions on your own behalf as you do for those you love?

I think of the Christian command, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” We hear a lot of sermons about what it means to love other people, but very few about how to love ourselves. But we are commanded to love ourselves. We are entrusted with the stewardship of our own bodies, souls, and minds. Love is not selfish, and that includes self-love — so long as it is properly ordered.

And that order may change, depending on the situation. There is a hierarchy of needs vis-a-vis our daily life duties that can flex and shift with priorities and circumstances. Sometimes, others’ needs should come before our own. Other times, we do need to take care of our own needs first.

Self-Sacrifice Is Not Self-Neglect

The people-pleasers and those other folks who have been taught that their needs always come last will come out at this point and say, “But what about sacrifice! What about generosity! What about selfless giving!”

You are right. We are called to give selflessly and sacrifice for others. But that doesn’t mean we neglect ourselves.

You wouldn’t neglect a person you love and care about, or a pet or even a houseplant. Those are living things that require care.

You are a living thing that requires care.

Service As Self-Care

Here’s the thing, though: caring, or loving, ourselves doesn’t mean spending money on luxurious things or “treating ourselves.” Things like bubble baths and pedicures and chocolates all have their place, but they are not what self-care is.

True self-care means making choices and decisions and cultivating habits and routines that are going to contribute to your well-being over time, help you to be a more integrated person, and increase your capacity and willingness to love and serve other people.

To love and serve other people.

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

You take care of yourself so that you can effectively serve others. Your “self-care” ultimately isn’t for you — it’s for other people. We put on our oxygen mask first, so that we can help other people do the same.

Why? Because when we serve others, that, in itself, if done from a place of authenticity and integrity, is actually a means of self-care. When we serve others with joy and fulfill our duties toward them faithfully, we cultivate virtues in ourselves. We become better, holier people.

When Self-Care Becomes Selfish

The idea of service as self-care is a crucial one that often gets missed. In many contexts, self-care has become about putting on one’s own oxygen mask first, and then stopping there. It’s become about filling one’s cup, and then putting a tight lid on it.

I’ve seen recovered people-pleasers who, rather than use their newly-discovered authenticity to advocate for themselves charitably and serve others with joy, swing the pendulum in the complete opposite direction, creating brick-wall boundaries around their time and energy and viewing any breaches as a disrespectful imposition. They view every difficult thing as a threat to their peace, and their default response is to defend their brick-wall boundary as if their life depended on it.

And, in a sense, I understand this reaction. Once you discover that you don’t have to live as a burned-out, resentful people-pleaser, and you begin to occupy a space that allows you to claim and fulfill the needs you neglected in yourself before, you are loath to do anything that will recreate your former situation. There are certainly times when we must hold fast to our boundaries, and use firm language with people who would seek to use us and/or our gifts for their own convenience and/or personal gain.

But here’s the thing: self-care is not about retreating from life because we feel exhausted or resentful. It’s not about escaping life’s pressures and demands. It’s not supposed to be a reaction to one’s life. It’s not about avoiding pain or discomfort.

It’s about replenishing your stores so that you can increase your capacity to love and serve.

If you find yourself retreating behind a brick-wall boundary in an effort to avoid all discomfort or engage with as few demands as possible, it means you have a scarcity mindset around your energy that is probably rooted in a self-preservation or survival instinct — which means that, deep down, you probably have a fear of people or things draining your energy or capacity. Your retreating is a sign of reactivity, which means you have some work to do in order to reframe your self-care and energy choices in a proactive light. And in order to do that, you first have to work through and heal from whatever is causing you to operate from this fear-based survival instinct. Your boundaries should be meant to help you thrive, not merely survive.

Because here’s the hard truth: if you view any unpleasant or unexpected thing that comes your way as a threat to your energy such that you feel the need to respond with defensiveness, retreat, and/or resentment, it probably means you are not taking full responsibility for stewarding your energy in a way that is appropriate to your calling in life.

Energy Management As Self-Care

Part of self-care is learning how to manage your energy.

Let’s acknowledge two basic truths about energy:

1. You’re responsible for where your energy goes.

2. You’re responsible for replenishing it.

“But, Ellen!!” I hear you say. “So many people and things in my life are huge energy drains — what am I supposed to do?”

There are certainly people and situations in life that feel like energy drains. The question is not whether they drain your energy; the question is whether they are worthy of your energy.

In other words, are these draining elements things that you are called to do or people you are called to serve, or are you simply allowing “energy vampires” to drain your energy unnecessarily?

When we talk about service and having the capacity to sacrifice for others, what we are NOT talking about is sacrificing our energy unnecessarily; sacrificing our well-being to enable or perpetuate behaviors or situations that are harmful to you or others; picking up burdens that are not yours to carry; or taking on any kind of labor that is not yours to do. All of us have our crosses to carry in life - but make sure they are YOUR crosses that are meant for you, instead of those that are meant for others, or ones that you are artificially creating for yourself.

If we limit our crosses to the ones we are actually meant to carry, we will be modeling sacrificial behavior in a way that will inspire others to do the same.

So, I ask you: if you feel like you have to be insanely protective of your energy, such that you live in retreat behind your brick wall and emerge from behind it only grudgingly — where are your energy leaks? Be honest. Where you could be making better choices for yourself in order to manage your own energy? Where are you picking up crosses that are not yours to carry? Where are you enabling behaviors in others that wear you down and ultimately won’t help them, either?

It’s okay. We’ve all done it. I’ve done it. It’s possible to change your situation — but first, you have to identify where you’re going wrong, however well-intentioned you might be, and then figure out what you can do instead.

Self-Advocacy As Self-Care

Instead of continuing to use your energy to perpetuate or enable an energy leak, consider using your energy to advocate for yourself.

Because care, or love — whether it’s for yourself or another person — demands advocacy. We advocate for those who can’t do so for themselves, but when it comes to us, we’re the ones responsible. We should not expect others to advocate for us, when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves.

Advocating for yourself firmly but charitably is an act of service to yourself, and, ultimately, to others. Properly-ordered advocacy teaches others how to treat us.

But you cannot self-advocate if a) you are hiding behind your brick wall, in a default stance of defensiveness or fear, or b) if you are helping to create or perpetuate a dynamic that is ultimately draining your energy unnecessarily, giving it away to something that doesn’t deserve it.

Ultimately, our energy expenditure choices should align with our stated values and priorities, and help us to grow in virtue. Living your values is, again, an act of service to yourself and others.

If your energy expenditure choices do not align with your values and help you cultivate the virtues you know you are most in need of, then there is some kind of disconnect. It means it’s probably time to identify and plug energy leaks, and start practicing some self-advocacy.

Start by practicing communicating openly, honestly, and charitably. Practice asking for help and support, and articulating your needs, clearly and unapologetically.

And sometimes, we need to advocate for ourselves to ourselves. Some simple examples of that might be things like:

“No, I’m not going to stay up late scrolling TikTok. I’m going to go to bed so I can get the rest I need to show up fully for my family tomorrow.”

“Yes, I am going to choose to work out today, even though I am tired, because it will be a boost for my mental well-being later in the day.”

“No, I am not going to let my client reschedule her session a second time. I am going to stick to the policies I’ve put in place to protect my time and the viability of my business.”

These sound like small things. Perhaps they are, but this is often where we need to start. We, as humans, are very good at giving into selfish desires and seeking instant gratification, but not very good about making seemingly undesirable, harder choices that will actually help us feel better in the long run. And this is why it is a process - for everyone.

This is what true self-care is: making daily choices that will build up your own well-being; serving others with joy and authenticity and thus empowering them to do the same; and providing an example of how you and others should be treated. All of these things make you a more whole, virtuous, integrated being, which is the ultimate goal.